Just before dawn this morning we were pulled out of a deep sleep by a faint beeping noise. Not the alarm clock. Not the coffee maker. Not the carbon monoxide detector or the smoke alarm. Not the low battery indicator on the Orgone Box. No—it was much more distant, almost subterranean.
Leaving our sleeping rack in the northeastern belfry, we descended floor by floor until we were in the sub-basement, below the Data Processing Chamber. And there it was: the distinctive incoming-data bleat of the FirstNerve BurrOmeter, coming from deep within the packing crate.
We never sold it, you see. The Museum of Arts and Design didn’t cough up shipping costs, much less the scrap metal value, so it’s been gathering dust for months.
We grabbed a crowbar, pried open the crate, and were greeted by the auto-detect light on the data transmission panel, blinking like a French perfumer after a face full of Someday by Justin Bieber. We eagerly activated the metaphor diodes, reconnected the name drop dosimeter, and wiped the packing peanuts off the sensor surfaces.
The incoming signal was strong but slightly scrambled. The knob on the Omnidirectional Media Selector was frozen on nytimes.com, but a quick spritz of WD-40 loosened it right up. A few degrees down spectrum we got a fix on the new coordinates: the data were coming from deep inside the Grooming subsector of the Style zone in the GQ quadrant. It was the unmistakable rhetorical signature of the “fragrance expert.”
An entire opus on vetiver featuring nine fragrance reviews. Bonanza!
Name Drops: 12
Jean-Paul GuerlainBonus Points:
Etienne de Swardt
Perfumers: 9Mix ‘N Match Olfactory Metaphors: 6
the humidity of a blue Haitian morningEuropean Airlines: 1
a market next to mango sellers in the shadow of palm trees
a seamless, darkish scent inflected with smooth wood that is elegant as a spider’s thread
liquid sunlight with a bite of fresh ginger
the scent comes out of a bottle with a hairy chest and a wood baseball bat
fireflies hovering in the evening air, luminous as embers, and cool as night
SwissairExotic Locations: 5
Haiti“Regular Guy” Locations: -2
DallasJock Sniffing Bonus Points: 5
raw, earthy, masculineTotal BurrOmeter reading for Making Scents of It: A Guide to Vetiver: 46 milliburrs.
no nonsense and masculine
Outlook: It’s hurricane season. Gale-force winds spinning out of control. Board up the windows.