Saturday, March 13, 2010

Quick Sniffs

Perfume: the perfect gangsta gift for Mother’s Day.

Budget crisis? What budget crisis? They’ve found a $1.1 million cure for the Gnarley Fart Bomb of Orange County. And up in Tulare they’ve installed 26 foggers to spray odor-neutralizer over an outdoor wastewater plant.

A USAToday piece on haunted hotels quotes a guest at the Crescent Hotel in Eureka Springs, Arkansas who was alternately suffocated and pulled about one night by a evil-smelling phantasm. The olfactively paranormal holds some interest for us, but this could become a convenient excuse for front desk clerks all across the country. “A bad smell in 207? Lucky you! That was our famous ghost.”

On the other hand, there’s this police blotter item from the Nevada County, California sheriff’s office:
6:04 p.m. — A woman from the 10000 block of School Street reported hearing 14 instances of knocking under the floorboards of her mobile home. This had been going on for months and sometimes she knocks and yells back. She also believes someone is getting in her home when she's not there and is using her soap and towels. She wears headphones to block out the noise and keeps a loaded gun in the house. She also sometimes smells a foul odor coming from under the floorboards and requested documentation.

New Jersey, the Moron State:
Ten search warrants were executed over a five-day period in Middlesex, Monmouth and Ocean counties, leading to the arrests and the seizure of an array of indoor cultivation equipment, 3,370 marijuana plants, 115 pounds of harvested marijuana and $65,000 in cash, according to a press release from the New Jersey State Police.
What gave it away? The smell of burning marijuana.
Officers discovered the smoke seeping from the chimney at 558 Spotswood-Englishtown Road. After knocking on the door, they were faced with what police describe as “overpowering evidence” that renter Thu N. Nguyen, 44, a Vietnamese national with Canadian citizenship, had been burning the unusable parts of marijuana plants in the home’s fireplace, according to the press release.
Burning? What was he thinking? He probably didn’t buy any carbon offsets, either.
Exit question: How many environmentalists does it take to compost 3,370 pot plants?


Nathan Branch said...

I think if I heard knocking under the floorboards of my mobile home, I'd be calling an exterminator, not looking for ghosts.

Avery Gilbert said...

Nathan Branch:

Perhaps. Unless the knocking was being done by a telepathic racoon who threatens to eat your shoes unless you start buying a nicer brand of hand soap.